For Parents
Hand in Hand
Talking with Musicians About Parenting
by Sara Hickman
In October 1995, I was unmarried and discovered I was pregnant. I remember my initial reaction: sliding down the bathroom wall, sitting on the floor, and hearing imaginary brakes squeal on my musical career. It sounds dramatic, but I was convinced I would have to end, or postpone, my career. How could I give quality time to a child, while making records, writing, touring, and running my tiny little empire? As a solo artist managing myself (and on the verge of creating my own label), there was hardly enough time as it was! I felt a sudden sense of cold closure on a dream I had been living since I was seven years old. The concept was impossible: how could parenting and music walk hand in hand?
Someone once told me that the word "career" comes from the Latin "carerra," which literally translates into "fast track." As a musician, I had fallen into this belief system that my life and music had to be tightly intertwined, that I had limited choices in how to make it in the music world. As I was running through life full throttle, there were months, even years, passing before I could take the time to look back, reflect and even revel in what I was accomplishing and where my music was taking me. Nothing ever slowed down my race to succeed professionally... until that day I found out I was pregnant.
As my shock subsided, I knew I wanted to bring my baby into the world, but I was scared. I would have to alter my priorities, but where would I start? Everything seemed overwhelming and I felt very much alone in my decisions. After slapping myself in the proverbial face, I decided the best way to figure out the balance of motherhood and music was to start visualizing my future time allotments. What was really important to me as a musician? What was I trying to accomplish with my life, my music? Where did I want, or need, to go professionally? Where could I cut back on time consuming areas so I could be creative with the time I would honestly have to utilize?
The Planning Stage
Before the birth, I started to re-arrange my life. I licensed my records so others would do the leg work, but I still owned the rights... I crammed in as much writing time as possible... I hired folks to begin helping with my office work... and because I wanted my child to be around people whom I loved and loved us, I discovered which friends were willing to be an extended family instead of hiring a nanny. Suddenly, I realized that not that much had changed, except my attitude and my waistline....
In fact, these sudden changes in my life brought me great relief. I found the pregnancy to be a time to clean my life's closet, to rearrange and sort through old beliefs and integrate fresher, healthier ideals and goals. Mind you, this wasn't an overnight accomplishment. For years, I had filled too much of my personal time with the menial tasks (mailing lists, merchandise sales, errands to the post office, returning calls, etc). As I delegated out these jobs to others who were willing to help me, there was a profound self-realization that I had been wasting precious time.
Mine, and others. All these tasks that were "beneficial" to furthering my career had been swallowing up my sweet time with friends, family and the very thing I loved to do—create songs.
I began to understand that my career had become a "j-o-b"! As I learned to meekly ask if anyone would be willing to help out, I was blessed to be inundated with offers from people who had wanted to assist me over the years, but I had been too busy to notice! I must admit, my pride had also played a part: I was the only one who could get everything "right." As assistance was woven into my lifestyle, I began to have deeper relationships with everyone around me, and even though I was also in the midst of a confounding custody battle over my unborn child, I found myself happier than I had been in a long, long time. I was motivated to explore my music on a deeper level through these life lessons.
Change of Pace
After the birth, as the world kept rushing by, I started living a simpler pace. I was nursing, changing diapers, making homemade baby food and massaging my new daughter while still returning calls from agents, practicing, and preparing for new recordings. However, suddenly, everything seemed less frenetic. I started taking long naps, hiking with my baby, enjoying time alone. I spent time online experiencing live interaction with fans from all over the world. Life, for the most part, was peaceful and loving, and I finally had a chance to slow myself down. This was a magical time to bond with my newborn baby girl and think about my career. I started planning and setting goals instead of just jumping at every opportunity that came along.
During these changes in my life, I started contemplating the fears I had about not being "successful." At first, I felt I had failed. There were no Grammies on my shelf, there was no major label deal, and there were none of the trappings of major musical stardom. Here I was, me, my baby, and a bunch of guitars. What did I, a new mother, have to contribute as a musician?
I realized I had fallen into the expectations of the mysterious and unknown "others" ideals about what "success" should be. Instead of beating myself up, I looked back at all that I had already accomplished. It reassured me to see that I was quite capable as a singer, songwriter, musician, and producer. This motivated me to take some further internal, creative risks, and I began to dream about things I had forgotten I had wanted to bring to fruition.
Creating Balance and Moving Forward
What I discovered through these conversations with myself (and my baby, a captive audience!) was a need to be creative within my life, not just through one musical format. Essentially, I had been doing that to some degree, but because of all the years of busywork (and outside influences advising me to do it like "other artists"), I had stopped up my own creative outlets. Now, I was determined to let my unique muse flow.
First, I went back to keeping a journal. I decided I would put my priorities in order with sections in which to write down my dreams, goals and achievements. The sections were spirituality, health, family, friends, music, art, money, romance, community and travel. By making this concrete place to check in with myself, I noticed it was easier to follow through with my ideas.
One of the initial journal entries I made was that I was enjoying making up songs for my daughter, so I decided to share that joy with other parents and their infants. I began to visualize a series of children's CDs, which I would release on my own label, Sleeveless. After the completion of the first CD (Newborn), I utilized The Connextion, an online source for music, and hired Cat Reynolds to sell my music at shows. Big Kids Productions handled the distribution into Borders and children's stores after demand for the CDs grew.
Touring was a different problem to solve, but it never seemed impossible. I was smitten by stories of olden days when singing women carried their children with them into the fields, to quilting bees, on missionary work, and barn raisings; of rock-star mothers, like Tina Weymouth, who carried her child papoose style on stage during Talking Heads concerts; and of gospel churches, where children were exposed to music their entire lives. The idea that children should be experiencing life with the parent, instead of being separated from them, was appealing. What better way for me to share my love of music than to take my child on the road? By not differentiating between work and play (because the work is the play), my child would learn to discover her own vocations and passions. I hoped she would grow to understand you can make a living by doing what you love. So, for help on the road, I brought my mother, or female friends, who wanted to travel and play with the baby. My friends were paid for their time, plus their travel expenses. My mother, of course, came gratis! Best of all, my little girl was with me everywhere I went.
As for writing and recording, I've started to stay in town. Austin has a plethora of studios and engineers, so in that respect, I'm fortunate. I've started building relationships with musicians and engineers, which, I feel, can only benefit my sound. Practicing and writing are the hardest avenues for me to walk, only because I have trouble with self-discipline! I'm still learning that when I make the time, I make the music. Co-writing has become a venture that I've explored more frequently because it forces me to follow through with a commitment to a fellow writer, and generally, it produces fresh ideas for me.
How I Learned to Make It Work For Me
Two years ago, I met a wonderful man named Lance, and in 1999 we got married. Our child, iolana, was born two months ago. Since my husband is a freelance photographer, we have been able to miraculously make our work schedules coincide. One of us is always with the girls while the other is creating music or art. But you may still be wondering: How? How did you find ways to make music and be a loving, involved parent? I know that you'll find your own path, but here's a short list of what's worked for me.
So my daughter and I could interact in a relaxed, social setting, I joined a weekly moms' group that focused on musical interaction between parents and their kids. (This, once again, reinforced that music wasn't just my "job.")
I've learned to limit my performances, taking the best gigs offered and passing on the weaker ones. Not only do I enjoy these shows more, I'm not as overworked. On the average, I do about four shows a month, down from an average of fifteen or so. I also ask specifically for what I want. Recently, I did a show in California in which I requested the promoter pick up the cost of the airline tickets for my whole family, the hotels and a rental car. We flew out two days early and enjoyed a day on the Santa Monica pier, riding the ferris wheel, with the kids. Then we drove on to my gig in Ojai and stayed at a wonderful resort (the promoter also threw in a free massage!). My show was forty minutes Saturday night, so Saturday was spent at the pool. The point of all this is that I can braid family and music time together, and someone else kindly paid the tab.
When I tour, I try to go out for three days, then return home. (Occasionally, I will do a ten-day run when a record comes out.) Now that she's a big kid, I arrange my shows around my first daughter's visits with her father, so she doesn't even know I'm out of town.
I've started doing jingle work and music for films. I find it fun, challenging and a great way to pay bills. Plus, my daughters can come with me! They've been learning about mics, vocal booths, and the entire recording process.
I plan waaaay ahead, tasking things in small increments every day (instead of all at once); I take time to return calls when my daughter is involved in a book or play-doh, or my youngest is napping. Many of my phone calls are made at night, after they have gone to sleep. Now that my oldest daughter is in pre-school, I can work on music, art (and write the occasional article!) in the morning until it's time to pick her up.
Although I manage myself (which saves me 15%), I do call my ex-manager and hire him for occasional representation, or when there is a contract, I call my lawyer and have him haggle the details. I also use a booking agent, which saves me more time than anything. Shanachie, the label that handles my adult CDs, sets up radio, tv and in-stores. They also pitch in on tour support and travel arrangements.
Work Is Not Your Life
As I've started to foray into each new project (currently I'm illustrating my first children's book), my children have been involved in each of these things, whether sitting in a bassinet while I paint, or as in the case of my oldest daughter, taking a photo to place in a CD booklet and singing on the CD itself (check out Spiritual Appliances). I'm trying to show my children that music, art, and writing are all an integral part of their lives. I want them to understand that being creative isn't something to save for a rainy day: it IS the day.
Looking back on the day I first discovered I was pregnant, I'm thankful, now, for the fear I felt. It led me to such a beautiful family, and it freed me to enjoy my creativity fully. Yes, there were changes, and adjustments, but the rewards are beyond description. Don't worry, I'm not trying to entice any musicians into parenting, but let me just say for any Doubting Thomas out there: you can have it all!
