Last year, I started having horrendous hot flashes. They would pop up at the weirdest times, mostly at night, but then they started
creeping in during the day, during shows, when I’d be having a conversation with a neighbor. It was maddening! Instantly covered
in a cold sweat that was wet and made me feel hot at the same time. Ugh.
But, the up side to all that was that I didn’t seem to have any more periods. For months and months! Ah, that was so nice.
Now, all of sudden, they’ve started up again, and I feel so blue. I forgot how sad I get around my period. I start thinking
about all kinds of thing/people that I miss—riding horses, my grandparents, lots of thoughts about my friend, Caryl, and why
didn’t I this, why didn’t I that—and I think about dumb things I’ve done in my life, regrets I have, stupid things I wish I hadn’t said.
Missing old boyfriends. Missing Illinois. Missing a pair of shoes I loved but never wore and gave away and wish I hadn’t so I could
have passed them on to Lily or io. Wondering if I’ll ever stop drinking coffee in the morning. Wishing I had time to call people and
sing them happy birthday…All kinds of goofy stuff takes up my
brain power. GO AWAY! Ay yi yi.
(So far in the above paragraph I sound like Lucinda Williams “didn’t I this” and Rodney Crowell “things I wish I’d said”. Ya just can’t
forget a good lyric. Once it’ s heard, it’s stuck to ya like a tick.)
There are so many things to be happy about, don’t get me wrong! I’m staying positive, here, it’s just…sometimes the sky
is gorgeous, not a cloud to be seen, the air feels light and breezy, but inside a person’s heart…well, you can just feel like crying.
That’s what I should do. Is just go cry.
I guess that is the mystery of what makes us human—feelings…although, I have to disagree with myself because I KNOW my
dog has feelings. I am not personifying her, either.
Blah blah blah.
Say…..Here’s some happiness I want to share!
First, iolana found out it was George Harrison’s birthday! She had two yellow balloons. She made paper cards and wrote this on one of them, and
I shrunk it down on the copier so it wouldn’t weigh the balloon down..we went outside, and her words flew up into space:
and thank you for giving us really good music!
I LOVE my guitar gently weeps.
I listened to it today on my dad’s ipod.
I saved a beatle (bug) to-day and I also
wore my yellow submarine shirt
and I didn’t know til my dad told me
it was your birthday
Thank you George Harrison
and happy birthday from,
Isn’t that something else? How can I feel blue when such goodness is going on!?
And I spent time with my friend, Stacy, and we talked about marriage, children, life, what it means to be women and mothers…
And we held hands outside in the sunshine at Book People and I was thinking what a wonderful sister she is to have in my life.
And, last night, me, Lily and iolana went and babysat at our dear friends, Sharon and Steve’s, house. We played with Daniel
and Jack: basketball, hide and go seek, we had dinner around the dinner table and had lots of good laughs over many silly
incidents/things said, met the neighbors, gave Daniel a bath…it was relaxing and silly and it’s so fun to watch Lily and iolana
playing basketball while Jack raised the basket to court height and everyone was hilarious, trying to get the ball in and watching out
so no one got bonked on the head…Daniel was driving his giant toy car after putting a blanket over the top. It was a car cave, I guess.
And the neighbors came out, and they were all nice, and it was relaxing to sit on the driveway, watching kids hoot and holler, passing
the time away, just like when I was a kid in Houston, in Sharpstown, and the moms would come out and chat while we kids ran around, too,
and that was all special and wonderful and my period is just trying to ruin all the fun so I will embrace that I can make children, still, but
that I won’t and, perhaps, I can just make myself laugh today, even if I start to cry. Cuz, after all, balance is what I’m seeking so if I’m going
to be happy, I am certainly allowed to have some blue times, too. Just different colors of the same woman.
One Comment “I thought I was done but I guess I am not/ George Harrison”
I have one thing to say to you Sara— it does get better, really. When I was in my late ’40s and going thru all that emotional turmoil and sweating like a screaming piglet- I would blubber to my mom and she would tell me–Honey, it’ll get better.
And it did.
And it will for you as it did for all womankind.
Hormones have a mind of their own. They will work their torture and then they will go on their merry way, waiting for the next unsuspecting soul to target.
Use this time to cry your pea pickin heart out. Because when you are all finished with this “Change”– your mind will be clear and your heart will be happy and full.
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